Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.