[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
much to think about
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory