Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When ur friends with white people
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men