*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
You Might Also Like
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries