@Fred_Delicious: *accidentally likes a hot girl's photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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@QwertyJones3: I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.