@UNTRESOR: [accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: so what do you want for christmas? ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools