@UNTRESOR: [accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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@theshantilly: 9: I'm writing a book based on a true story. Me: Make me look good. 9: FINE. I'll write something else.
@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories