[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’