Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name