You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Flowers bee like
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Found the job I’m suited for
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.