*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You Might Also Like
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
sugar glider wrangler
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me