H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Hey I worked for it too!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too