I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours