@SemFitty: Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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@BuckyIsotope: PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
@MableGertrude: I would pay big bucks to Sea World to see a dolphin fly out of a water tank into the stands and start rolling around and eating people.
@TheCatWhisprer: My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: I'm updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport? Him: You didn't bowl. You kept score. Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?