@SemFitty: Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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@TheMichaelRock: Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
@JohnLyonTweets: [flirting at Taco Bell] Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help. [seconds later] Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
@doktorj: As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.