@SemFitty: Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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@TheWeirdWorld: Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
@KeetPotato: guy: [stands up at front of plane] me: "please don't be overbooked" guy: [pulls gun] "this plane is now under my control" me: "oh thank god"
@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later