Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
@ candidates for local office
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes