Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.