@vapidcontent: accidentally said "bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy" out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee's said "Okay, it's been fun here I quit"
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@dmc1138: Someone should open a bar called "The Gym", so when I tell people where I'm going, it won't be a lie.
@jwoodham: JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
@SondraDeeMe: "Just the tip," I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
@_ElvishPresley_: Me: (accidentally crushes the World's Smallest Violin) Guy who owns the World's Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine