Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
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Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m about to risk it all
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*