Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You Might Also Like
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class