*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos