I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Social distancing in Australia:
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.