Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”