*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock