Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.