Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
sir, my pâté if you please
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.