Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
This is hilarious….
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*