According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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Great acting.. 😂
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it