alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”