I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.