According to math, I’m broke
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.