@mrtruthandsoul: According to math, I'm broke
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@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA] NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position. Me: have you seen our president? NASA: give him a spaceship
@Tmoney68: Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
@jbillinson: Biden: "Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?" Obama: "Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months"
@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.