According to math, I’m broke
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
channeling her this year
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.