(Electricians.)
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess