According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My kitchen overserved me.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.