If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Monday
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.