According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
mom had nothing to worry about