@Tbone7219: According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
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@louisvirtel: You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it.
@davidkenny100: "The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked" I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache
@GingerHotDish: Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn't want to seem gross.
@sickipediabot: My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"