@Tbone7219: According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
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@_The_Man__: Wife: The zoo called Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@hazelmotes1: When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.