According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
You Might Also Like
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
😩😩😩
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
the saddest jazz hands ever
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!