According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
At an art museum and I thought this was art