@CheryeDavis: According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
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@OtherDanOBrien: Dentist: You don't have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep! *I start flossing his teeth* D: Um... Me: These are mine now
@itshotterhere: Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn't break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
@concretesledge_: The tag on this hot tub reads "6 man" when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
@sickipediabot: "If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open." said the boss at my new job. "Why do you need a door then?" I asked him.