@CheryeDavis: According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
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@johncheese: I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, "Get dressed and grab your gun -- they found him."
@PeterClayton6: *buys shed at B&Q* B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself? Me: No, it's going in the garden. B&Q: Me: B&Q: I can't help you anymore.
@Danny_McH2O: Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.