I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
🤣
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi