@fsuflores: According to really smart people I should have started saving 20 years ago.
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@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@Hey_Sascha: Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
@sixfootcandy: [family brunch] Sister: We'd love you to be our daughter's godmother. Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.