According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me