According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done