@TitansHomer: According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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@peachesanscream: My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.
@robdelaney: Haha my cousin's safeword is "chalice." (We don't have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
@TheCatWhisprer: [cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*