According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Have kids, they said
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.