According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.