According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You Might Also Like
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
😂😂😂
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less