@realHamOnWry: According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.
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@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
@jenlaw_11: If a server comes to my table and asks 'hows everythin tasting?' mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
@donni: COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good
@mejustbeth: It seems like I only lose weight when I don't buy ice cream. Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?