Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.