@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."
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@Storminika: Cops are kinda weird, asking stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Cause I have weed in the glove compartment?
@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
@Audenary: LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. TWITTER: No.
@TheTweetOfGod: Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.