You learn something every day
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child