@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."
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@LuvPug: The only thing more annoying than vegans who won't shut up about being vegan is people who aren't vegan who won't shut up about vegans
@Ygrene: [filing for legal name change] Judge: and what’s the reason for the request? Me: I was owned pretty badly on line Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
@NurseMurderer: grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa? me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
@iamspacegirl: [At the Rumble] her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels* me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*