Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My dad teaching me to drive
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.