According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
You Might Also Like
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
🍛
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
This rocks
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”