According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!