According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[canadians at you, canadianly]
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.