Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing