According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.